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the nest

the nest

What To Do If Your Lover Seems To Lose Interest...

4y ago


Does your partner or lover seem less interested? Distracted? Maybe even bored? What do you do? How can you revitalize the relationship and bring back the passion you used to feel? Join Cathy Vartuli from as she talks to sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko from about creating more intimacy in your life. Link to Difficult Conversations Article (website may be NSFW): Cathy:  Hi, everyone. This is Cathy Vartuli from, and we're here with Reid Mihalko from Reid:  Hi! Cathy:  Reid, what do you do if it feels like your lover is losing interest? Reid:  (pause) I'm sorry - what? (loudly) You smack him! "What are you doing? Hey, pay attention to me!" Cathy:  That doesn't always work, and there's a lot of folk tale out there about how you're supposed to do it. You're supposed to get fancy lingerie, you're supposed to ignore them. Reid:  Mmm hmm. Cathy:  I've tried those things in relationships before. Reid:  You haven't tried them with me. Cathy:  No! (laughing) I haven't tried the smacking thing either, but that's coming up there! Reid:  Just ignore them in fancy lingerie while you smack them. (laughing) I know people who are into that. Cathy:  (laughing) I'm sure you do. So can you answer the question? Reid:  No! What do you do if your partner is a jackass? Um... What I think you should do is sit down and have a real conversation with them. "This is what I'm feeling." If you want to use the Difficult Conversations Formula from my website... Cathy:  I'll put the link to that below the video... Reid:  That would be great. You know, "Here's what I'm afraid of. Here's what I'd like to create. Here's what I want to talk about." To have those conversations, to be real with each other, to figure out what's up, rather than "I'm going to use these tactics to try to get your interest." Cathy:  It's kind of manipulative, in a way. Reid:  Well, yeah, I mean, there's strategies. I mean, we can debate whether they're truly manipulative. But I think, really, what's needed is a conversation about "What interests you now?" And where do you guys share things in common? Or co-create something that excites both of you. Like, create something that is interesting to the two of you. And that, often, I think, will help jump-start something. The adage around "once people who have been together for a while who have kids, once the kids leave for college..." Cathy:  They have no interest. Reid:  They have no interest in each other because the group project of raising the family and getting them out of the nest is now complete. So the idea of creating a new team project... And again, you don't have to have kids for that. You know, you could just be... Cathy:  You don't have to have another round of kids. Reid:  Yeah. You don't have to do that. But then, I think that's one of the reasons why, with some couples, grandchildren are so important. It's like the second wave of the project that they had rallied around, and there's a lot of social context and support for those projects. But it can be whatever you guys want to create. And I think what needs to happen is you sit down and be like, "What interests you these days? I want to create something collaborative with each other that gets us excited. What is that for you? Do you have any ideas?" And you guys can start sketching it out.