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So we are getting better, day by day Honor is returning. I see small break throughs and I can see her regaining her strength and mobility and having more desire to get around after a hard week of being sick. One thing that is gone.... that has always bee

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So we are getting better, day by day Honor is returning. I see small break throughs and I can see her regaining her strength and mobility and having more desire to get around after a hard week of being sick. One thing that is gone.... that has always been gone is poping up in our lives, drawing more and more tears to my eyes and showing Honor that no matter how many times I say she can, no matter how I twist it, or encourage she simply cannot walk. I have always tried to compensate for Honors legs but lately its just not enough. There is simply no changing this for her and the dissatisfaction I see in her face, the draining desire, the independence she sacrifices it's written so boldly on her face and it screams out for me to mend it, fix what's broken, make it happen. Our reality is I cannot. She throws fits of frustration or just cries alone, my happy blossoming little girl now seems so sad and I hurt right along with her. She saw Julian using her walker and declared " Honor walk.... peas mommy Honor walk" to that I say of course you can so we take turns breaking our backs letting her hold on as her legs drag behind, but it wasn't enough she soon realized Honors "walk" was so different and didn't come with rounds of applause because she did it alone or any independence. It kind of felt like a struggle and she felt that too. I have always said when we get pitty stares or the I'm so sorrys. "Oh don't be walking isn't everything" and it certainly isn't but we are entering a whole new phase where it's not something we can overlook and it's not so unimportant anymore. To Honor it hurts, she is trapped inside a body that isn't mobile when all she wants to do is run. I find myself so heart broken behind my cheerful eyes as I praise her for all she can do. I watch her try to do flips on the ground, get on the couch, catch the other kids in the yard, she doesn't want a wheelchair no matter how I decorate it or what cute name we give it she wants legs that work and this pains me. We fundraised for for over a year raised money and we took Honor for a stem cell transplant I thought it would be our saving grace I thought it was going to be our miracle, though it seems to have helped some other things walking or the muscle tone in her legs are just the way they always have been. I'm praying daily sometimes hourly that pushing her chair and being who she is will again return to my sweet girl. I'm praying God eases the tension we are feeling as we step forward into this new season of our lives. If I could I would bare this diagnosis for her, I would take on the chronic back pain, the fear, sadness, the loneliness, the scars, headaches, doctor visits, tears, frustrations & all that go along with it. This is a page in our book where I'm steadily reminding myself that in time this too shall pass and Honor under Gods guidance will be happy again. Don't get me wrong Honor laughs and smiles, but more often than I'm used to or prepared for I see this sadness and with no means to fix it I seem to have a breaking spirit too. Most days I just want to pack up my family and run away from Spina Bifida. So if you see us out and Honor appears to be flooding the room with tears please understand this hurt is burrowed deeper than the seemingly simplistic circumstance. We are fighting a battle all our own that is proving to be a tough one.